Monday, May 31, 2010


You know why I am taking so long to write about love because I am now suffering of it .my sister who knows me to well thinks I am the darkest of human race, she thinks I like suffering and I love it too .I had a fight with her in which we were both blaming each other how stupid we are being for our partners, I was saving mine and she was saving his but then she said something which troubled me most of nights, which went like this …

“You should take care of yourself, you have stopped going out cause you cant move without him, you talk of him for 24 hours, you have started walking in your sleep and don’t hide that you sleep with his sweater hugged to your chest all the time, you are so scared that you are not able to talk to anybody if he is not around ,you wait for his letters and his calls as you wait for life , the thing is niya you have gone mad, you have stopped living and what if you loose him?, my fear is ,you are going to loose yourself too …. “

Whatever she was telling me ,I knew why she said it ,I was laying with her last night motionless ,sweating ,my body was hot and I was mincing the same words time and time “don’t leave me ,no don’t go ,no, no ,no”. She and I were both surprise and I was feeling more gully in the morning, as one feels after the body has lost more blood. I was sick for two days ,vomiting and sleeping .and I wanted to sleep more because that’s the only way I see him in my, DREAMS.

I don’t remember his face many times but in my dreams I can feel the closeness, the love that I share. I love keeping his cloths in my closet, my closet smells nice, and I have his shoes, his shirt, his sweater and his stars. I was not there when he became an officer, so I didn’t knew what he looked like but then when he became a captain and removed his two stars ,with a letter he send me his stars too. His letters and his everything is a valuable possession to me.

I am a scorpion ,I didn’t believe in that too much but when I saw myself loosing it ,I was sure that I can go to extremes to be with somebody ,my life without him is useless .when I see myself in a mirror I see him .I don’t like people and I am no good with them around I feel suffocated ,its hard for me to breathe cause somehow every time I do something without him ,I feel troubled .When I talk to him somehow it is easy for me to laugh ,to get shy and to talk .

He makes me feel responsible, I am not superstitious but when I broke a glass three days back I had to ask him if he was all right, feeling more stupid because he was laughing and telling me to rest .I am worried that he thinks I am mad, I remembered talking and crying both which was not understandable to me and him both, to actually what I was saying .

I cant tell him all this because he will not understand how suffocated I feel without him .He will give me some another lecture on how I should grow up and this is a fauji life ,one needs to have patience and should mold myself according it blah blah blah.So I carry an act on how brave am I sometimes and I think I do well too but I am also quite sure that if I lost him I will loose the world ,I don’t want to think about it now cause I know I am not that strong but what really interest me is that how love can be mysterious and dark at the same time .It can be strange and a feeling as one exist from out of world .

My love is different its less restrictive and more of sinister .sometimes I think I belong to a more magical times .everybody has that side like my sister belongs to more Elizabethans times, my brother and nishant belongs to more of a Vinci and Einstein times because they are intellectually in some other world, there thoughts are more deeper than us .I consider myself a keeper of priory of both good and evil…..don’t think of it as strange cause I have seen some peculiar people and love stories ,I believe in Midnight summer’s dream and withering heights .

And so with all the thought and argument that I put or have it in my end, I somehow feel weak but more connected to him as time passes I get more and more interested in him, its like your favorite food or smell or taste …I am addicted to him like one is addicted to drugs, one needs to have it all time or for some period or after some duration …or else one gets weak, dizzy and even end up dying without it. I feel satisfied by him, more of relished and content. I have always been fascinated by danger, but what I have been asked about. How much I am ready to give myself to do something which is life- threating? And I have always answered saying “I won’t mind”. I always love it and I really don’t mind having a free fall, Even if it’s for him or with him or without him ……

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Most people get confused of me when they come to know I am a girlfriend of infantry officer Capt.Nishant ,the reaction is quite hilarious to look at not just I get to see there shocked faces but also a scared look which says that they are not allowed to cross a line with his girl. while walking down the over bridge in Delhi ,it was 7 in the ning and we were walking down with my hands in his ,when a car crossed us and one of the guy sitting in a car hooted from behind which made me shudder and frightened ,after that I was looking at a guy who was running after a car with such amazing easiness that I was certain for a minute that life of those men were just in danger ,but somehow the another car came from front and he had to stop ,I was relieved because I was definite that I would not be able to control nishant .So I ran too to hold him and ease him that I was all right and that I am not scared anymore ,as I approached him he turned around only to make me more uncomfortable ,I remember we stood for more than 10 minutes looking at each other ,his eyes were blood shed ,his hand was clenched fist ,though he was sweating heavily but didn’t look as if he was tired .I could see into his eyes and they were watery .

He was not crying that I could see but the emotion that was disturbing him was that he had first time ran for his girlfriend and I think he was somehow more sure that he loved me fiercely, strong enough to first beat those men and then get beaten. And this fact was more scary to me cause I will never be able to clap when he breaks his nose even if he tried ,if somebody beats him I will break there legs and jump on them till there pancreas come out ,and suddenly I realized I was looking more stupid as I was being watched by 20 people there and every one was scared who was looking at me as my hairs were at one side, I looked like Hindi films witch who looks less scary and more funny, I was heaving ,my hands were on my hips and it looked as if I was struggling with words, all because my fatness couldn’t match his zero figure and his casual strides .But I never stopped looking at him because I realized that I was in love with a guy who never have spoken emotions ,I was certain he was not short tempered but he was strong and dangerous. All fauji women live in flashbacks ,so I was thinking how many times have I seen him like this ?,and why am I scared of him ?…maybe I am not that feminist at all ….he was my gangster with whom I knew I can never win a fight.

Our love is different kind of love and it’s filled with emotions and intenseness .Every time when I have met him on airports or after long time on stations …I realized I never have hugged him or came running towards him. Every time he come towards me,my heartbeats runs at 120, I get temperature and I get shy .Sometimes I don’t even have guts to look into his eyes, I just smile .With him I feel lost as I belong to some far back century where he was a fierce fighter and I was his woman who did what he said, a guy who loves me like hell who even can kill me in a fear of me going away .A guy who talks while he is sleeping ,who walks 3 hours on a snow just to give me a call ,a guy who calls me 25 times if I didn’t pickup on first call, who pulls me with my hand so brutally when I am angry that I have even got blisters sometime .a guy who has took out his handkerchief just to wipe my sweaty hands and face .I was once questioned by people would I prefer nishant as my enemy and I said no ,it will be my plight ,I was even asked how was I able to handle his madness ,and I answered his madness is what I love ,that is what is so unique about him ,he is one of few men who can give speech without even knowing about the topic ,and can even put brilliants ones in shame .the most hardest question was “will you be able to live with this psycho”, which meant ,would I be able to handle his passions of getting too serious about things and his troubled nature ..And I could only say ‘I will love him passionately, fiercely that I am sure about but I will not be able to save him from getting burn, I can only heal him, I will certainly be there when he is lost.

While we stood looking at each other, one with love and another one with fear(who was me obviously) we covered few more steps towards each other ,and suddenly both of us started laughing like mad ,holding each other hands ,somehow it was too extraordinarily funny that we both sat on a side footpath, all people on the road were looking at us as if we were of some other planet and then he took bislery bottle and tried pouring whole bottle on me ,so how can I leave him and then with immense force I snatched it from his hands ,only to finish what he started a little while .So my answer to his being mad was that I will be always be there with him to put an end to whatever he starts, even if that means that I have to force my way to take all his troubles on me or even snatch his troubles from him ..............PHEW