Monday, May 31, 2010
FRAGMENTATION OF MY MIND ......
“You should take care of yourself, you have stopped going out cause you cant move without him, you talk of him for 24 hours, you have started walking in your sleep and don’t hide that you sleep with his sweater hugged to your chest all the time, you are so scared that you are not able to talk to anybody if he is not around ,you wait for his letters and his calls as you wait for life , the thing is niya you have gone mad, you have stopped living and what if you loose him?, my fear is ,you are going to loose yourself too …. “
Whatever she was telling me ,I knew why she said it ,I was laying with her last night motionless ,sweating ,my body was hot and I was mincing the same words time and time “don’t leave me ,no don’t go ,no, no ,no”. She and I were both surprise and I was feeling more gully in the morning, as one feels after the body has lost more blood. I was sick for two days ,vomiting and sleeping .and I wanted to sleep more because that’s the only way I see him in my, DREAMS.
I don’t remember his face many times but in my dreams I can feel the closeness, the love that I share. I love keeping his cloths in my closet, my closet smells nice, and I have his shoes, his shirt, his sweater and his stars. I was not there when he became an officer, so I didn’t knew what he looked like but then when he became a captain and removed his two stars ,with a letter he send me his stars too. His letters and his everything is a valuable possession to me.
I am a scorpion ,I didn’t believe in that too much but when I saw myself loosing it ,I was sure that I can go to extremes to be with somebody ,my life without him is useless .when I see myself in a mirror I see him .I don’t like people and I am no good with them around I feel suffocated ,its hard for me to breathe cause somehow every time I do something without him ,I feel troubled .When I talk to him somehow it is easy for me to laugh ,to get shy and to talk .
He makes me feel responsible, I am not superstitious but when I broke a glass three days back I had to ask him if he was all right, feeling more stupid because he was laughing and telling me to rest .I am worried that he thinks I am mad, I remembered talking and crying both which was not understandable to me and him both, to actually what I was saying .
I cant tell him all this because he will not understand how suffocated I feel without him .He will give me some another lecture on how I should grow up and this is a fauji life ,one needs to have patience and should mold myself according it blah blah blah.So I carry an act on how brave am I sometimes and I think I do well too but I am also quite sure that if I lost him I will loose the world ,I don’t want to think about it now cause I know I am not that strong but what really interest me is that how love can be mysterious and dark at the same time .It can be strange and a feeling as one exist from out of world .
My love is different its less restrictive and more of sinister .sometimes I think I belong to a more magical times .everybody has that side like my sister belongs to more Elizabethans times, my brother and nishant belongs to more of a Vinci and Einstein times because they are intellectually in some other world, there thoughts are more deeper than us .I consider myself a keeper of priory of both good and evil…..don’t think of it as strange cause I have seen some peculiar people and love stories ,I believe in Midnight summer’s dream and withering heights .
And so with all the thought and argument that I put or have it in my end, I somehow feel weak but more connected to him as time passes I get more and more interested in him, its like your favorite food or smell or taste …I am addicted to him like one is addicted to drugs, one needs to have it all time or for some period or after some duration …or else one gets weak, dizzy and even end up dying without it. I feel satisfied by him, more of relished and content. I have always been fascinated by danger, but what I have been asked about. How much I am ready to give myself to do something which is life- threating? And I have always answered saying “I won’t mind”. I always love it and I really don’t mind having a free fall, Even if it’s for him or with him or without him ……