Friday, July 9, 2010

FOR YOU ......

In my selfless mode I found you

Ever and ever waiting for me …
The young bride was I,
When you were call upon by fate to fight for the land that u took pride.

How I remembered you telling me of my duties of a daughter in law
And how you said that you have found the best wife...
I know you wouldn’t have able to go when I would have cried
So in the dawn you left with a letter, giving me hope for new life

Every day that went by I tussled with my thoughts
Praying to god to keep you alive..
Every phonecalls, overshooting voices heard and felt through my ears
Whenever you called to hear my voice

Made me selfless inside.
When people talk of love they smile
But when I sing of it, its fill with your praises
On how proud I stand as your wife...
Nobody knows the pains I took, the dreams I overlooked
And the wishes I get stumble upon

Its today when I see you coming through the great mighty doors of soared land
With the lost emotions of loosing young men,
With victory promising on your face
And the cuts that tells me how death have you embraced

I feel like a book of folded mysteries
Of great epics and powerful cemeteries
Today when I see you standing in front of me
With pleasure of looking at me

I now understand meaning of love
Of being a soldiers wife and a young men’s wealth
I am your faith and your hope,
It’s all that you carry with ak-47 when with troubles you get enrolled.

So I now see, of all the world’s greatest ecstasies
You loved me and you made me
So I now carry a graduate degree, a blackcap and a coat of scholarly, and
Honey I am coming home, with all the dreams of yours to make it a better world

Monday, May 31, 2010


You know why I am taking so long to write about love because I am now suffering of it .my sister who knows me to well thinks I am the darkest of human race, she thinks I like suffering and I love it too .I had a fight with her in which we were both blaming each other how stupid we are being for our partners, I was saving mine and she was saving his but then she said something which troubled me most of nights, which went like this …

“You should take care of yourself, you have stopped going out cause you cant move without him, you talk of him for 24 hours, you have started walking in your sleep and don’t hide that you sleep with his sweater hugged to your chest all the time, you are so scared that you are not able to talk to anybody if he is not around ,you wait for his letters and his calls as you wait for life , the thing is niya you have gone mad, you have stopped living and what if you loose him?, my fear is ,you are going to loose yourself too …. “

Whatever she was telling me ,I knew why she said it ,I was laying with her last night motionless ,sweating ,my body was hot and I was mincing the same words time and time “don’t leave me ,no don’t go ,no, no ,no”. She and I were both surprise and I was feeling more gully in the morning, as one feels after the body has lost more blood. I was sick for two days ,vomiting and sleeping .and I wanted to sleep more because that’s the only way I see him in my, DREAMS.

I don’t remember his face many times but in my dreams I can feel the closeness, the love that I share. I love keeping his cloths in my closet, my closet smells nice, and I have his shoes, his shirt, his sweater and his stars. I was not there when he became an officer, so I didn’t knew what he looked like but then when he became a captain and removed his two stars ,with a letter he send me his stars too. His letters and his everything is a valuable possession to me.

I am a scorpion ,I didn’t believe in that too much but when I saw myself loosing it ,I was sure that I can go to extremes to be with somebody ,my life without him is useless .when I see myself in a mirror I see him .I don’t like people and I am no good with them around I feel suffocated ,its hard for me to breathe cause somehow every time I do something without him ,I feel troubled .When I talk to him somehow it is easy for me to laugh ,to get shy and to talk .

He makes me feel responsible, I am not superstitious but when I broke a glass three days back I had to ask him if he was all right, feeling more stupid because he was laughing and telling me to rest .I am worried that he thinks I am mad, I remembered talking and crying both which was not understandable to me and him both, to actually what I was saying .

I cant tell him all this because he will not understand how suffocated I feel without him .He will give me some another lecture on how I should grow up and this is a fauji life ,one needs to have patience and should mold myself according it blah blah blah.So I carry an act on how brave am I sometimes and I think I do well too but I am also quite sure that if I lost him I will loose the world ,I don’t want to think about it now cause I know I am not that strong but what really interest me is that how love can be mysterious and dark at the same time .It can be strange and a feeling as one exist from out of world .

My love is different its less restrictive and more of sinister .sometimes I think I belong to a more magical times .everybody has that side like my sister belongs to more Elizabethans times, my brother and nishant belongs to more of a Vinci and Einstein times because they are intellectually in some other world, there thoughts are more deeper than us .I consider myself a keeper of priory of both good and evil…..don’t think of it as strange cause I have seen some peculiar people and love stories ,I believe in Midnight summer’s dream and withering heights .

And so with all the thought and argument that I put or have it in my end, I somehow feel weak but more connected to him as time passes I get more and more interested in him, its like your favorite food or smell or taste …I am addicted to him like one is addicted to drugs, one needs to have it all time or for some period or after some duration …or else one gets weak, dizzy and even end up dying without it. I feel satisfied by him, more of relished and content. I have always been fascinated by danger, but what I have been asked about. How much I am ready to give myself to do something which is life- threating? And I have always answered saying “I won’t mind”. I always love it and I really don’t mind having a free fall, Even if it’s for him or with him or without him ……

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Most people get confused of me when they come to know I am a girlfriend of infantry officer Capt.Nishant ,the reaction is quite hilarious to look at not just I get to see there shocked faces but also a scared look which says that they are not allowed to cross a line with his girl. while walking down the over bridge in Delhi ,it was 7 in the ning and we were walking down with my hands in his ,when a car crossed us and one of the guy sitting in a car hooted from behind which made me shudder and frightened ,after that I was looking at a guy who was running after a car with such amazing easiness that I was certain for a minute that life of those men were just in danger ,but somehow the another car came from front and he had to stop ,I was relieved because I was definite that I would not be able to control nishant .So I ran too to hold him and ease him that I was all right and that I am not scared anymore ,as I approached him he turned around only to make me more uncomfortable ,I remember we stood for more than 10 minutes looking at each other ,his eyes were blood shed ,his hand was clenched fist ,though he was sweating heavily but didn’t look as if he was tired .I could see into his eyes and they were watery .

He was not crying that I could see but the emotion that was disturbing him was that he had first time ran for his girlfriend and I think he was somehow more sure that he loved me fiercely, strong enough to first beat those men and then get beaten. And this fact was more scary to me cause I will never be able to clap when he breaks his nose even if he tried ,if somebody beats him I will break there legs and jump on them till there pancreas come out ,and suddenly I realized I was looking more stupid as I was being watched by 20 people there and every one was scared who was looking at me as my hairs were at one side, I looked like Hindi films witch who looks less scary and more funny, I was heaving ,my hands were on my hips and it looked as if I was struggling with words, all because my fatness couldn’t match his zero figure and his casual strides .But I never stopped looking at him because I realized that I was in love with a guy who never have spoken emotions ,I was certain he was not short tempered but he was strong and dangerous. All fauji women live in flashbacks ,so I was thinking how many times have I seen him like this ?,and why am I scared of him ?…maybe I am not that feminist at all ….he was my gangster with whom I knew I can never win a fight.

Our love is different kind of love and it’s filled with emotions and intenseness .Every time when I have met him on airports or after long time on stations …I realized I never have hugged him or came running towards him. Every time he come towards me,my heartbeats runs at 120, I get temperature and I get shy .Sometimes I don’t even have guts to look into his eyes, I just smile .With him I feel lost as I belong to some far back century where he was a fierce fighter and I was his woman who did what he said, a guy who loves me like hell who even can kill me in a fear of me going away .A guy who talks while he is sleeping ,who walks 3 hours on a snow just to give me a call ,a guy who calls me 25 times if I didn’t pickup on first call, who pulls me with my hand so brutally when I am angry that I have even got blisters sometime .a guy who has took out his handkerchief just to wipe my sweaty hands and face .I was once questioned by people would I prefer nishant as my enemy and I said no ,it will be my plight ,I was even asked how was I able to handle his madness ,and I answered his madness is what I love ,that is what is so unique about him ,he is one of few men who can give speech without even knowing about the topic ,and can even put brilliants ones in shame .the most hardest question was “will you be able to live with this psycho”, which meant ,would I be able to handle his passions of getting too serious about things and his troubled nature ..And I could only say ‘I will love him passionately, fiercely that I am sure about but I will not be able to save him from getting burn, I can only heal him, I will certainly be there when he is lost.

While we stood looking at each other, one with love and another one with fear(who was me obviously) we covered few more steps towards each other ,and suddenly both of us started laughing like mad ,holding each other hands ,somehow it was too extraordinarily funny that we both sat on a side footpath, all people on the road were looking at us as if we were of some other planet and then he took bislery bottle and tried pouring whole bottle on me ,so how can I leave him and then with immense force I snatched it from his hands ,only to finish what he started a little while .So my answer to his being mad was that I will be always be there with him to put an end to whatever he starts, even if that means that I have to force my way to take all his troubles on me or even snatch his troubles from him ..............PHEW

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Hi guys ....we the students of Delhi have decided to reform the ways of our society .you will think we are mad but some of us have to come forward. Yesterday I and some of my creative friends went to Hazrat Nizamuddin and every where we looked around there where cheap romantic display spread on all walls of our favorite Indian heritage.”Vinod I love you", or "asha I’ll die without you” or Ritu and prakash forever and forever ", we all were disgusted and the irony was that in our country Renaissance never took a magical start or even ending. Renaissance was started in Italy and took the world on the glorifying and extraordinary heights but our country never understood how important our history is, we do not lack the poise or the creativity it’s just that we never understood the relativity of valuable past and present. How much time does it take to accomplish small things? ,there are wonders you can do with the power of unity .Hold a meet ,get this idea to your own student faculty and the arts department .Carry spray paints and the brushes and give 1 hour everyday to renovate everything which is around you .We cannot stop public from peeing everywhere but definitely we can start with all the educated lots to understand the concept of public loos and toilets .Do not use your pee power to create artifacts but do try to make people understand that’s these things are not cool and do not make us uplifting human beings .It may be funny at first but if you really want a change then you will have to start taking it seriously .It may be a news to you but if you see the poles of metro stations, all the young kids of 6 or 7 age have put paintings on wall ,if you ever have time please do notice .I am not saying to damage metro station but I am asking to clean places which are virtually damaged .take a look at this video and if you really love the country who made you what you are today then my words will work like magic .Remember it not only army who can protect our country, Its us who can step forward to achieve the impossible and protect all that is only left .chao

Sunday, March 7, 2010


We the people of India think we are most smartest creators of the universe and maybe that’s why it is so hard for us to understand the meaning of success .Yesterday while was on a chat which I absolutely disgust I happen to had a chance to talk to a old friend who wanted to know what’s going on In my life?, and so in a good deed I told him that I have started writing on which he pulled a sarcastic comment saying that I was academically brilliant and also added that he was not .Before I could even understand his rude comment I took it in a sweetest way and said thank you ,I know he must had a great laugh on it but what to do the trigger was pulled .So our conversation started and he pointed me with the fact that he didn’t like writers who don’t write for purpose ,adding on to it he also told me that he finded salaam Rushdie and Dan brown a good writer ,somehow I took it seriously and thought to myself that why people who don’t know what it takes to write 5000 words article has a power to condemn somebody of their knowledge .How can anybody give criticism on something they haven’t done .

Not that I am upset that it happened with me but I have had more issues .I m a girlfriend of a most brilliant army officer and he is the most generous and simple man I have come across, maybe you can say he is my idol .He taught me the value of small things in life ,he found what was good in me .Most of the times when I go out I meet people who tell me that fauji’s are unclear they don’t have mind just the body ,they like bloodshed, they are judgmental ,they don’t have heart .I was once asked by a dear friend “hope your man is not arrogant ,you know these fauji’s are terror ,they kill innocent people and don’t care about families …blah blah blah and so on, after 10 minutes I didn’t knew what came over me ,see the point is I am not good with speech I stumble with words but I have great acknowledgement of vocabulary when I jot down my thoughts on paper.

So when I started it came in most exclusive manner “listen sweetie, you stand here because my man and many others choose to give there younger years to sweat, rolling and difficult life, so that we can sleep safely in our beds .When you cleared your boards he was filling a form for NDA ,when you got the key for your car by your dad in honor of scoring 65%,he was sitting in a sad office for his SSB ,a young boy who was frightened but passionate to get into the force ,when you were sitting in café house sipping coffee and eating sandwiches ,he was exhausted by the 10 km run and was eating biscuits because he was late for his dinner .

when your father was paying your donation for joining medical college ,he was sending money to his dad .when you were having candle light dinner with your second boyfriend ,he was sleeping with a picture of his girl wishing he could just hear her voice .When you were clubbing and having pinacolada listening to a rock song with your friends ,his place was under heavy bombardment , when you were sitting with popcorn in your hand watching another disgusting war movie and commenting on the peaceful earth ,he was sitting in the rain tired ,hungry ,with his rifle wondering will he see his mom again .

You see a young woman in white saree looking terrible and you make joke to your friends on how ugly she looks, c’mon guys she should be happy to get medal from the President, at least she should have wore something nice she is on television, and why is she is overreacting, isn’t why is husband joined army?, yeah he joined to save his country. Have you ever wondered how does it feel to wait for your man only to see him wrapped in a flag followed by men in uniform, he was suppose to come back for holidays but he choose to never come at all .She doesn’t want medal ,she just wants her husband back.

And about not caring for his woman ,well then how come he remembers every lock in my curls ,he knows about every scar in my body ,he walks in heavy rain and snowfall just to give me a call ,he buys a bike and put my name on the papers. He hides me when he see someone giving me dirty looks .He carries me in front of 100 men without shame when I have broken my sandals. He lets me wipe my nose when I have extensive cold without getting worried that he will ruin his new shirt. He stands outside waiting till I don’t come out of job interview with my heart broken .He kiss me and loves looking at me while I am asleep. He lets me win when he know that it will bring me happiness .He thinks I am beautiful when I have messy hairs and dirty cloths .He sends me a message when I least expect it , telling me how much he loves me .

After that I never heard from her, I was called snobbish and the news around was that I was ill-mannered, proud and dumb. This is the first time I am writing this article for purpose, to all those who thinks that army is all about money and fancy parties. It is not ,it is a family where we take care of each other in unit .Its about wives gossiping with each other, running to the senior lady for help when these husbands are not around .It is about running without slippers to the co-officers wife informing about his husband well being when the lines are cut off .Its about getting late up in night when there is a knock on the door and you see another lady holding two cups of coffee ,wanting to talk and you love it because it comforts to find out that you are not alone .Its about calling other to tie a saree for ladies meet. Moreover army is about being there for each other in thick and thin, it’s about team work. A saying that “we will always be there when you want us and we will watch your back buddy, nothing will happen when we are around”. It’s about you and me.

Friday, March 5, 2010


A very famous Punjabi marriage song was being played on high pitch near my ears and I was in severe headache wanted to run out but then my cream embroider dupatta was being pulled by a woman who was giving me the killing looks, exactly the ones where your eyes seems to pop out and you look scary and she was none other than my hell bent mom urging me to listen to another weary looking lady who was a mother of too much excited bride.

At a distance was sitting a bride all dressed in blood red lengha surrounded by all the loud friends who looked more cheerful than the bride herself as if they had find there own prospective men. Enjoying the enthusiasm of the too much decorated bride all the old women were humiliating the bride with the cheap first night humors. I on the other hand was devastated and shocked to even listen about the man genital part and how they were giving advices how to make the groom happy .Among one of them even tried telling me how good it will be when I will meet my dream man. I wanted to run or vomit on that irritated looking woman but I could only smile and wish that this night would end.

Suddenly they were excessive noise of all fat and thin women shrieking and pulling each other to dance on a number which was again some stupid bollywood song implying how the women went to sleep on a bed and got bitten by Scorpion. My mom was also too happy and doing the same old step which I have seen her doing for almost twenty years of my life and suddenly she realized to embarrass me so she shouted my name and every women present in the room was ready to revolve around me and threw me here and there.

After two hours of smiling idiotically and listening to my mom about her favorite topic of how imperfect I am, came another punch on my stomach when every mother of every girl present there came to tell my mother about the expertise of their daughters, one was telling how her daughter can wash 79 cloths in three hours and can speedily make 25 dishes in 1 hour. Other was telling my mom how her daughter has decorated her own dress and also can check blood pressure. Third was telling, my mom about her successful daughter who was working in some bank and earning big bucks and about the amount of gifts she gets by her brilliant daughter .I knew my mom temper was being inflated as she didn’t had anything to tell about her own daughter who was me and that I should be ready for another emotional ordeal once I reach home.

And then I couldn’t take it any more, without looking at my mom I like a 5 year old went and sat in a corner which was pretty relaxing as there was little noise and no mother to glare at me .Suddenly I had a realization about my own imperfections and I asked myself that would I give my life in exchange of getting hooked with some software engineer who was destined to leave to America in a month? Will I ever be happy on receiving the amount of gold sets and diamond given by the mother in law for sacrificing my own personal life? Will I ever be a good wife who never says no to her husband even when she see her self being sacrificed? Will I ever be able to carry expensive crockery without breaking it?, will I be comfortable on letting my husband go with male friends all the time leaving me at home ?will I be a good mom and will not make any mistakes ?will I be ok when I will not be me ?

NO, with every though I knew that I’ll never do or be what I was not …I am a woman who is ethically very strong ,who never had hurt anybody ,always tried though to learn things but was not perfect .I make mistakes but then I have a power to make many things right .I will burn my husbands breakfast ,will forget the bike keys ,will spill coffee on him and when I will be angry I will go to the best ice-cream parlor without informing my husband, will still meet my friends and will have fun .

And so it was time to make nishant aware of all the illusion he may have of me but I guess he knew .When I was consoling me on the phone while talking to him .He was smiling and reassuring me of how he is open to mess until one of them falls sick and have food poising and lefts no alternative but to eat soup and burnt bread but whatever happens we were partners for life who will make room for each other ,will select curtains together and if one of us doesn’t like it ,there will be room for arguments so the one of us get convinced. We will fight and I will be allowed to throw things at him at a deal that then I will have to give him TV remote if he gets hurt for a whole week. Even if too of us are too busy we will still manage to take a minute to stole a look at each other to smile and assure that we miss each other badly. We will have room for cheesy jokes and romance; we will have our laughter’s and pitfalls. We will have fights and our issues but we will always hold each other hands, even if one of us let it go the other one will still be holding it because marriages never makes us, its always us that makes marriages.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


“You expect too much from me ,why don’t you understand I am not that capable ,I am not ambitious ,you are supposed to stand with me in my tough times ,why are you pushing me to do something which I don’t want to ?it drummed in my ears with a sound of call getting disconnected ,it was an acclaimed fight ,the first serious one which left me sleepless whole night .Nishant was angry and I was too because he had no time for me.And I didn’t know what steps should I take to make him understand that I was still with him, loved him as a part of me.

Two months back when he was over loaded with files and orders ,I was the one who used to wait for his giggled laughter on the phone ,his jokes ,his dreams but then he never called and every time he did he was too tired to speak ,so I decided to save my soldier in distress cause I knew he was not happy being organized ,he is a maverick ,a real piece who loves to travel ,take care of his men but not the kind who have orgasm doing a computer work .So I made a aggressive plan to see what he can do best ,what powers he hold and why he is married to Indian Army .

So I started my evaluation and research on captain Nishant, I went back to take a look at the old NDA pictures, his medals ,his tremendous victories and his worst failures .I started talking to his fellow class mates of NDA and IMA ,who were close to him and well I came to know lot many amazing and crucial things about my captain sahib ,I came to know that he was never good with grades ,he had a trouble memorizing stuff and that’s why he used to do badly in some courses in NDA, but he did understood everything ,he had this amazing vocabulary to write stuff ,I saw many his video’s where he was hosting and introducing NDA at the same time ,he used metaphors in his sentences which is a huge thing because it takes a good know-how to frame them, but he was amazing .He even put me into shame when I came to know that he was a good writer and a very romantic one ,after I read many of his fabulous works I was taken back by the passion which will compelled any body who will read his stuff to fall in love.

His roommate told me he was a great singer and showed me some pictures where I saw this radiant young man who was holding mike in his hand and everybody in audience where in Déjà vu, I look that a man in picture was happy, content and free .He looked similar to the man I love but there was a huge difference that mine had lost the zest in life, had lost faith in me .He was trying so hard to keep me happy that he forgot his own happiness.I knew I have to make them meet, the man in the picture and the man who was growing too fast.

After few days when I was sitting on my balcony, I looked at my computer in my room which was displaying all the pictures of nishant and what I saw left me perplexed, I saw picture of him in boxing ring where he was proudly standing with instructor after winning the match, he doing a marathon race, climbing, shooting and what left me feeling stupid was that the man who I was in love with was one of the best runners of NDA and one of the best lot of commandos , what hurt me the most was that all this was unknown to me.He was a strong man who loved to fly, rule spread his wings, he has this fierce attitude to live life .If somebody asked me why I think he will make a good soldier ,I would say he is fearless and is not afraid to die .

He was relegated just because of his one mistake and that he was afraid of water, these were his failures and that’s why he got disturbed so many times. Before opting for army he madly and whole heartedly applied for Air force where he got missed because of some little error. The day I found out all this I had tears in my eyes,I imagined standing there when all this was happening and the poor kid came out every time a minute late in his swimming round ,getting scolded by his instructor with a sad gloomy face sitting alone on the NDA ground when all his course mates passed and he sat in his room wondering what he did go wrong .I could feel the guilt I wanted to take the young boy in my arms but I was not real I was not there but what was comforting was that I was his present and he wanted my help, he would never say it but that’s what soul mate does carry another one in the hard times, in between the silence’s ,I heard him calling me.

so what I did was collected all his winning pictures and the happy times where I saw that young wild looking creature with Whom I had fallen in love with once in hope that he will see what I have for him in my mind. I dispatched the post and called him on the same night, he was too busy with Co sahib, I ordered him to give me his minute which he did and I said “after twenty years I would love to be a journalist wife”, and kept down the phone .I knew that he knew what I meant and who will be the journalist?.

I didn’t mention my cunning thoughts nor did he ask me about all the picture after he received the post .After a month I was walking down the staircase of metro station when I got a call from him, he just said one line and I had the most mischievous smile on my face, he said “Niya, I am gonna apply for NSG”, I just answered saying “sure honey”....