Monday, July 6, 2009

Nil illegitimo carborundum...............


I think there is a divine power, who watches your every move and when he thinks that one is trying to be a jack ass, he brings them back. I have been such a jack ass. Unbeatable, Enigma who can make things fall but would never fall herself .basically people said, “Look at you, change or one day you’ll be beaten badly”. And I used to look at them and smile and throw some them sarcastic comment .I was little devil but the innocent and na├»ve one ,free from all troubles and heartaches If you would have asked me, three years back to change, I would have spit on you face and would have said to “go fuck yourself” .

Then one day life made me trip over and when I woke up I was surrounded by walls, a room where there was no light, nobody to smile at or love .First time I was alone, scared and shaken but my attitude and ego was still their, as strong it can be. That time warning was unheard, life was saying, “Change or you are going to be in deep trouble Missy”. And then series of unfortunates accidents happened .I was being beaten and people were as usual full of shit, who would laugh with you in your happiest times but leave you when you are scared and troubled. There were times when I didn’t eat for days and as little bit ego was left, I didn’t even ask for help. Life was making me realize that I was common like any other common soul. My logics and my theories were changing and with that I was becoming more stubborn, irritated and disastrous, it was hard for me to even imagine that the world was too ugly to look from naked eyes. I was a reject from hell and first time I was laughing at myself and asking “if I still have got my wits left".


I believed that crying is a sign of weakness and people who do are the weakest. I never cried not in front of people because for me it was like letting people hurt me more. When I started working I had one friend but we got separated because I was too right to be wrong with her. After year and a half while I was walking on a road I saw her looking very beautiful carrying packages from Van-Heusen and les femme. Looking all rich and successful she was an assistant manager in a firm ,funny part was that we started together and I stood there with just 100 bucks looking for a bus and she was stepping in a car. I didn’t wanted to meet her ,but when have I got what I want .She came to me and asked to sit with her for an hour which I did ,because I could see her genuine interest in me and a look which said “I am still your friend”. I sat in her car and was listening to her but at the same time was feeling hot and thirsty ,I felt poor ,not even in fit state to ask her if she could open the windows. But I think that she noticed the sweat on my forehead and so she switched the AC on. And after that we just sat for few minutes in silence wondering what we can say to each other to feel the warmth in our hearts. She tried and asked me to switch on a radio with giving me proper details but my hands were shaking and I was living in a drain which had left me with no knowledge of technology or expensive life .I was wide-eyed poor kid who didn’t know what glory feels like.

We went to CCD I was embarrassed cause I couldn’t offer her a coffee cause I just had few bucks ,but she offered and I said no ,I was not ready to except anything I didn’t deserve. It was my turn to step forward and ask if she wanted to go to this place I knew where u don’t get coffee but tea that too of 3 rupees each. And she kept my respect and cheerfully nodded and we instead of taking her car decided to take a walk.

“Don’t have to be strong in front of me ,I am your friend ,just tell me if you need help”, I was too chocked with my emotions to answer ,I wanted to but I couldn’t tell her that I want my life back, I continued looking down ,tears were gathered around my eyelids. And then she stopped and uttered sorry and started crying .And I knew we both regretted what we did, which no best friends are suppose to do .She screwing me and I for not being there when she needed me most, I realized I should have held her and told her that what she was doing was wrong and all I did was not helping her.

If somebody you love is in trouble you will want to help her, likewise if you are in trouble somebody else would want to help you if he loves you.

It took me 10 years to understand this fact, which I do now .I decided to go back to my college with little help from her, she knew I would never be able to work in a corporate and this time she told me sternly and gifted me the book “The Road Ahead”, actually Bill Gate helped me too

Everything had to start badly because I was not the same old me, I had lost too much and confidence was one crucial thing which I knew I didn’t have, It was hard for me to walk in place full of people, I bunked classes which left me with more disgust because I couldn’t face anybody .I was more afraid in a classroom, I knew the answers but didn’t had guts to raise my hand,I was afraid that I will go unheard. But they say second after god is your teacher, she helped and I started doing better. At least I could speak without getting disarmed at what others think.

I was living in a PG with 7 females, and only three liked me but were too scared to tell me so after 4 months I was thrown out because I didn’t understood the fake games of my girlies and again I lost and was rejected .Being rejected was becoming a habit, I was rejected on a telephonic interview call for Air India. And again I tried for AHA, cleared the rounds somehow but when the last round happened with CEO, I forgot what I was being asked and was numbed for whole 15 minutes .I was told on my face that I wont be able to do it.

My parents didn’t understood my lack of indulge ness. And I was not to keen on asking for help and they still don’t .Things are still not the same though I have managed to keep my head above troubles but it is still ridiculously not over. Now when my ego is being subsided I am still looking for a miracle .For me happiness is still surrounded with sadness .Today I stand alone and somehow I have reached a 4 lane highway where there are no signs of direction or distances and I have to choose a way and recall all that I have learned :

All relationships are based on giving and receiving and nobody can help you sort out things until you help yourself.

When the times are tough stand to walk ahead, decisions taken are always right but taken at a wrong time.

Changes are a life’s way of making you strong and successful; to prepare you for the worst and its all right to change because it will only make things more smooth.

Nobody has got a right to give you pains, if they do so, leave right their .You were born special, wrong or right its silly to make other people make you regret.


I am not telling this story to be popular or to gather unspoken affection or love. I am doing for all those who believe they can, who are not wrong but happen to be at wrong place.

When troubles surrounds you,
Some turn up their sleeves
Some turn up their noses and
Others don’t turn up at all.

Moreover I am righting this for me, because I am ready to give myself a head start and so can you.


Successful people are those who build Palaces by the stone people throw at them.

3 comments:

  1. Posted ur heart out didn't u.An Advice,The goodness resides in you never try to change it,people always want us to change as they are not comfortable to see the real us which mirrors the real them.change is a contradictory word when wanting to change what do you want to change your Ideals , your morals, your code of living.No, neither you should do it.

    When we meet a person, they're not what you met last. In any given hour, they kill some part of themselves. They change, they deny, they contradict-- and they call it growth. At the end there's nothing left, nothing unreversed or unbetrayed; as if there had never been an entity, only a succession of adjectives fading in and out on an unformed mass. How do they expect a permanence which they have never held for a single moment.so,ideals should be as they are rather the thoughts can be allowed to change.

    This is what they mean when they say , "Be Yourself"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

    This is wat I concluds from your write up...!!

    cheers

    ReplyDelete
  3. you are very right sajith,my story only tells us that keep ur head high when everything around u falls and someimes little changes can actually mend ur life ....


    Raj i am sorry but u hav understood all wrong,i am not asking to change onself ,what i am really saying is improve what negative is their in you.Be yourself is always said by loosers....who think they r perfect,i think humans have a divine right to be better and more successful

    cheers guys

    ReplyDelete