WHEN LEAVES GOT CANCELLED

“Hi sweetie, my leaves got cancelled, I may get delayed, are u listening? Hello, hello [very sad voice] hello…”

You could easily see my knuckles becoming hard ,my mouth going dry and tears just made there way through my eyes .I was standing but now I had to sit ,what is happening to me ,sudden pain in my heart ,I knew this would happen ,why why why? , “I hate you ,I really do nish ,you really hurt me ,I knew this would happened but you promised ,I hate army and I hate your job and I don’t want to live with you, I am not strong and I am not tough ,I want a guy who sits near me and at least I can hear him laughing, but you never there ,you always ask me to have patience and that’s all I have ,I am leaving you .

you don’t understand niya ,these motherfuckers screwed up ,I’ll try still ,I am angry ,please if you love me stand by me ,I love you with all my heart ,only you can help….please don’t leave ,I don’t know why this happens to me but I’ll try ,I can understand I feel the same ,sweetie I love you……

she bangs the phone ,how can he do that he promise ,I hate stupid army and its officers ,they don’t care .and with heavy heart she cries till she understands what has she done ,she has hurt a guy who she loved most, who always makes her happy ,how would he feels sitting on 14000 sq feet above a clear land with nobody to tell him that things will be all right, how tough it would be for him to call his mom and tell her that she should not prepare anything as he is not coming, how tough it would be for him to cancel all reservations ,all those things he was looking forward too and moreover how hard would have been for him to stand there on the call and hear his senior say that he will have to start unpacking as he is not going, how tough must be for him right now to make his heart understand that he will not be able to meet his friends or family or his love …….

Shit shit shit and she tries all the exchange number ,for an hour she just dials and dials , “god please let me talk to him ,I promise I will never hurt him again .Voila ,then somebody picks up the phone but on the other end ,one could easily recognize by the voice that the guy was sleeping and he is very angry that some pain in the ass is disturbing him , “namaste bhaia ,Capt. ,nish?”{With all the sweetness she could manage to pour in, so that guy don’t snap at her” ) and then there is a torturous silence and she gets worried, have they seriously disconnected her call and with the possibility of the known fact tears just starts rolling down the cheeks, and she starts crying not even realizing that the call is still on and then she hears the sounds of heavy footsteps as somebody has came running and has attacked on the telephone so that he doesn’t miss the call “niya”(name clearly uttered with chocked voice and with a very sad heart).

I am sorry nish .I am wrong ,stupid and heartbroken ,Every night I close my eyes so that I could see the next day and be more excited that you will be here with me .And it breaks my heart to know that you will not be here .I don’t hate you not even a little bit ,I respect you and I called to say that I’ll always be here waiting for you …,no matter what happens I am going to make everything right and we will be together ,till then I will just love you more and more, for a while I did forgot that I was a girl of a brave soldier and that why I have to brave too .

“No ,don’t say it niya ,you will make me cry”, “no please nish let me say ,I make you worry ,I shout and I don’t understand ,you are so innocent that you always make a way to help me and save me while you are so far away, sometimes your words stab my heart fiercely but you do it because you cant see me fall and you live with the fact that you will not be there physically to protect me .I never understand how bad you must feel to not be in civilization where men of your age are having fun. How you read reviews of a movie in an old newspaper and get all happy just looking at the pictures, how sometimes you miss all the happy moments being celebrated in your family knowing that you will not be a part of it .How you wait for my letters so that you can feel little bit important that somebody is waiting for you. How you walk every day for half an hour on slippery road and bad weather so that you can make a call and listen to what I have to say. And I know how hard it would have been for you to tell me that all the things which we were planning from four months would not be possible this time and how utterly disgusted you must be feeling right now…..I also know that you must have had too many cigarettes because you made me sad and you made me cry. And I know if you could have done anything to make this moment right you would have fought and screwed up everybody’s happiness but as you are my most naïve and my innocent guy, I know that you will not play with your people but you will try to make it for me even if it’s only for few hours…..

“Will you just shut up and listen to me”,conveyed with immense happiness and roaring laughter and suddely i felt a two year old kid and he said “baby you ask sorry when I make mistakes, you cry when I get hurt and you get worried when you see me being sad or angry. The funny part is two hours back I saw a women who loved me and was hurt and now I see a women who portrays herself to be brave so that I can sleep softly on my bed but in heart she stills want me to be there , and so I will be ,I may be two days late but I will fight .If I don’t get a leave which I an entitled to, I will deny all the leaves which will be given to me in future , this time I will not let you down ,I’ll be there and I will look forward to see you in all those dresses that you purchased. I sleep with your letters tucked under my arms, every day I look at your pictures and comfort myself that sooner I will be able to see you. I am a soldier, a favorite child of God, and I believe with all my heart that this can’t be it, I deserve you and I’ll prove you this...

“Sahib,mausam kharab ho raha hai ,chalna chayie” , “huhn ,niya love you and thank you for forgiving me and letting me have sweet dreams .take care”

A man of few words and a very high character, somehow I was not angry now but felt more loved and trouble ridden, happy enough to close my eyes in hope to see the next day and wait for him to come so that he makes me sway….